If there is one thing I can always pull off, it’s a first
impression. Whether it’s a job interview, meeting a family friend or just
helping a random stranger on the street, the one thing I can always rely on, is
my ability to make anyone who meets me think that I am a raving lunatic. While
I do have attributes that are inconsistent with most people, I have an uncanny
knack of always making a bad first impression.
It’s no wonder when I first met the other half of this blog
that her best friend wanted to file a restraining order against me. In my defence, she deserved flowers, so what
if I deliver them to a friend’s house and address her as one of my personal
stalkee’s. It’s really hard to get on that list.
Maybe it didn’t help the fact that it was really late at
night. Whatever the weird reason Stalkee #3’s friend thought it would be okay
to want to block her from seeing me, it meant I had to call him up and calm him
down. I don’t completely remember what I said, just that I was, in fact, sane
and that I would not take Stalkee #3 and put her in a van to harvest her
organs. Actually, I remember I did not say this so I guess I could have done
it, but the person on the other end of the phone had enough details to track me
down so I thought I shouldn’t anger him with badly worded sarcasm.
As pointed out by others, sarcasm is funny until you get
specific
“I’m not going to tie
her up and throw her in a river”
Is okay but
“I’m not going to tie
her up and throw her into the Brisbane River off that little wall in front of
Streets Beach”
Has something about it which is not socially acceptable.
Whatever I said it allowed her to see me the next day (She was even allowed to
come alone.). I actually arrived at the area a while before she was supposed to
arrive and watched her arrive and waited for her to sit down. I felt I
shouldn’t do any more creepy things and suddenly standing next to someone
seemed to fit that character, so I walked over, right in front of her so she
could clearly see me from a long way away. To try and fix the night before I decided to
have a killer first line. I straightened my tie (Situations like this require
nothing less than a suit.) put a mysterious\charming look on my face, strode
over, looked at her straight in the eyes (Well, attempted, she was looking at
her phone at the time.) cleared my throat and said
“Saskia?”
Which came out squeaky and quite horrible. Nevertheless, she got up and followed me to
my planned date location. So I really did nail it.
Except she admits today she never heard what I said.
Her going away party several days earlier had been a black light
party, so I decided to follow this up by the fact that I had found a black light
mini golf place. I had also chosen this as there would be very little chance of
uncomfortable silences, we would both be doing something – therefore need
silences to concentrate, and I would use those silences to come up with
interesting conversation topics or in the darkness, be able to bail if things
went south. We walked in and within thirty seconds had begun to discuss the
fact that the black light mini golf here was an idea stolen from one in her
native city. We started and she confessed that she had never heard of it. Then
I realised my plan to participate in an activity which involved awkward silences
fell apart with the realisation that if she was silent while I was playing, and
I was silent while she was playing we wouldn't talk at all, and therefore any
physical contact would be pretty hard to achieve. So I began to talk about the
pretty artwork, about how her party was and how the flight was, then she talked
about her tired she was. And I realised that if I continued as I was, I would
kick her ass pretty hard. So I decided to muck up the next couple of holes and
then continue on so I would still win, but it would be pretty close. I
continued talking about the weather of Melbourne, about how one of my sisters
used to live her, and how it has the best coffee and she continued talking
about her tired she was. I felt the score hasn’t gotten pretty even so I
decided to go with my full mini golf skill again.
This inevitably failed and I was a was several down we
approached the final hole I was enough shots down that I felt that she just
wanted the game to end, because that’s how I felt, so while I repetitively
failed to get the ball up a 45 degree angle she patiently waited in a corner
for a kiss that would never come. Seriously, I had no idea that’s what she was
waiting for. She just stood there. I really thought she was bored and just
wanted to leave already. So after a few
more attempts, I finally got my ball in the last hole. I thought I’d take some
photo’s with her in a nearby photo booth and be done with it. It was a failure,
she was bored with me. I told her to
meet me again before I left the next day for the airport back home. She showed
up, we said goodbye. As the taxi left I reflected on the fact that maybe I wasn’t
ready for a relationship yet, and I wondered how we would be friends now. I
decided I would still let her stay with me in Brisbane. I couldn’t really take
that back now. I had done the damage and would never get to find out what was
under the plaid dress now.
And that was the beginning of a relationship. You see, when
we talked again, I found out she wanted to make out, and I wanted to do that
too, so we planned to meet again and this time we would make that happen.
