It's been too long.
I feel like I've forgotten how to write, or at least, how I used to write. But a deadline is a deadline and this one has been 10 days ago.
But that's just it, I've forgotten how I wrote, how I would construct stories without spell check, or sometimes my mind would go faster than I was thinking and my thoughts and sentences would blur together into unintelligible moosh. And I feel I lost that.
My attempts to write humourous have proved not very successful either, but a tiny idea is there. It's not much, but it's there. I'm not expecting a lot from it, but if I can just tease it out and make it readable, well, that will mean I could get back to the dizzying enjoyment of 15 readers a post.
My whole writing style depends on how my thought pattern goes when I sit down. If you read my other stuff, you can tell I worked for hours on one part, took a short break and sat down again and my mind was somewhere else and the writing makes this awkward gear change from 2nd to 5th or back the otherway. The flow completely changes and there's some turbulence traveling to the new rate.
I think my best work came before we left the Netherlands to come back to Perth. I felt required to write a thank you note to a couple of people. I left it to the last night and from out of nowhere this letter, which screamed all the pain of 2013 came to form. It was tearstained. It was from a heart of pain, a gut feeling of remorse and a thesaurus.
So again, I left this to the last night hoping that would come back. It has not come back to that extent, but that's because those feelings are no longer there. The struggles have changed, and the gut feeling of remorse has changed to a gut feeling of a faulty liver.
I would like to bring to light three stories which have been running for the past two weeks.
Story the first is pain.
I don't eat a lot. I eat a bit. I consume things which are meant to "assist with the replacement of vitamins and minerals not obtained by a balanced diet"
But I do get hungry sometimes at eat a lot. Very selectively. It's hard to take me out to dinner. I leave food on the plate most of the time. I feel obliged to give the waiter a complement of a good meal even though they think it must be a sarcastic insult.
But a few weeks ago it became painful to eat. I would wake up and not be able to bring myself to eat as the mere thought made me want to vomit.
Vomit is a crude word. I could say "be sick" but that sounds ambiguous to me. Hmmm.
Expunge. That's a fun word. But I guess it does not iterate where I would like to expunge out of. I don't want the reader to think that the thought of me eating would make me want to pee, that would just make them confused.
I'll use expunge for now, if a better one comes to me I'll replace it.
It would sway uncontrollably. I'd suddenly feel really like eating, prepare something, and then have to dispose of it.
So naturally, I ended up going to the doctor, who told me to see a woman with a microphone who told the doctor that there was something on my liver.
Everything else of my digestive tract
Retch? No I think it goes further than that. I really want a word like defecate but for the other end.
Everything else of my digestive tract was fine.
Okay the ultrasound operator uses the word "Shadow" or dark patches. Ultrasounds are great but they do really just reduce the human body to greyscale patches which some poor bugger has to identify.
That's a liver.
That's a pancreas.
That's not meant to be there or is the wrong shade of grey.
It's really weird how the brain can distinguish those kinds of things, but still mixes up Chuck Berry and The Beach Boys.
REGURGITATE. THAT'S THE WORD!
"the mere thought made me want to regurgitate." Haha! I knew I'd get it eventually.
Apparently, these particular shadows looks like what happens to the liver with Hepatitis. Which sounds a really scary disease, it's not totally scary. Hep A is "You feel gross for a few weeks, then you don't" but the versions past there go along the lines of "Your liver just packs it in and doesn't want to do the whole liver thing anymore but still wants blood - so becomes a bit of a freeloader like a 24 year old who won't pay board or get a job because his music is totally going to take off, like, any day now" The plus side is that my ebs and flows feel like they're getting better. I still like to have a good lie down sometimes after eating. But sometimes it's bearable and I can at least eat what I would call, a normal amount.
Parable two:
A story of pain, but a different type.
I keep this short for the enjoyment of the viewer and the knowledge that the words that need to be said, have been said to the person that needed to hear them. So here they are again, now in prose.
She's has been away two weeks. She'll be back tomorrow.
It's the longest time we've been apart since the very beginning of our relationship.
I miss trying not to wake her up in the morning.
I miss not finding time to talk to her during the day.
I miss the feeling of guilt that comes from asking someone whether they need help preparing a meal but secretly hoping they don't.
I miss making us go to bed early.
I miss falling asleep when she wants to talk.
I miss being a terrible boyfriend in person rather than over the phone.
The silence of the room is deafening.
The mattress is wide and lumpy.
The discourse is overly constructed and badly phrased.
The platitudes are cheap and overused.
God, I miss her.
She'll be back tomorrow.
Feature number 3 is one of progress.
I have managed to get a job after we came back, which is nice.
I even get paid, which is a bonus.
I do IT stuff.
In time, I may get to do slightly different IT stuff, which makes all the current IT stuff worthwhile.
And that's it. I have no more stories. The three I have posted, which is more like, one which I worked on a bit and two afterthoughts aren't very good and need a rewrite. Rather rudely, I will publish anyway.
Afterthought:
Once I was told I should talk less and say more. To which I replied with shocked silence at the well written metaphor, to which they understood as confusion and walked off annoyed. Much like the notification that someone is typing a reply to a message you are saying. I wish there was a sign I could hold which could explain that I am think, and ordering my ideas so that when I do speak I don't say something that could be interpreted as unpleasant.
